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Smile A Little Smile For Me

2007-04-19 - 1:04 p.m.

Okay. No mention of what happened Monday. We all need a break from it.

For me, today is an Errand Day. I need to go to Verizon and look at replacement phones. I need to find out what phones are available on the upgrade plan, and how much credit I'll get.

Brin has suggested a couple phones, and some features she thinks would be useful. While I'm grateful for the help, I know how much I can afford to spend over and above the credit. If the difference between a Bluetooth phone and a non-Bluetooth phone is $30-40, I may very well pass on it. (After all, I don't live at home and have parents to buy me everything I want.)

Then to the post office to pick up a couple things and send a couple things, including an MO for the Stuart Little DVD. Next to the PO, there's a buffet restaurant that has Chinese and Mexican dishes. That's my plan for lunch.

Then home to relax. It'll be a movie night tonight. I forsee it...


Let's move to Bob Watch 2007! (insert theme music here)

Spoke with him last night. He went to the doctor and was told he's healing very well. Bob plans to be at the gig on Friday. He's still limping, and will need help carrying his stuff in...but he plans to be there. He's already notified his friends through e-mail.

Friends and neighbors, he DROVE to the doctor. With no pain...except possibly the anticipation of the bill.

I'm really hoping this doesn't aggravate his foot, and he'd have to take another couple weeks off.

We also talked about some of the songs that we remaining band members had played that he (Bob) doesn't know. He wants us to do them in the last set, so he can get a feel for them and we can incorporate them.

I'm thinking about "Surrender", Tom Petty's "Breakdown", Steve Miller's "Jet Airliner" and "Rockin' Me", and "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. Turns out Bob used to play "EBYT" long ago, and he loves the song.

"Surrender" may take a little more convincing.


Now, then. Let's laugh a little.

First, we go to the e-mailbag. Tracy Sands has been a friend of mine for the last twenty years or so. He's played keyboards with us off and on during that time. He and I will banter back and forth about comedy, music, and all kinds of other stuff. Anyway, he sent me the following. The comments were included. I have no idea how many of these are actually true, but it's still a worth a giggle.

We now present:

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there ANY job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight...and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


And then Bob weighed in with THIS one:

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!!

Any questions?


Then there's the spam.

Remember how, in the WB cartoons, there would be the First National Bank, the Second National Bank, the THIRD National Bank, etc...all the way to the LAST National Bank?

I got the following spam in my mailbox:

Dear Fifth Third bank business/commercial customer,

Fifth Third Protection Department requests you to start the client details confirmation procedure. By clicking on the link at the bottom of this letter you will get all necessary instructions how to start and to complete the confirmation procedure. The following steps are to be taken by all business and commercial customers of the Fifth Third bank.

Fifth Third Protection Department apologizes for the inconveniences caused to you, and is very grateful for your cooperation.

To start the confirmation procedure, click the following link:

The link leads to a site in Japan.

I see dumb people...they're everywhere...


Someone did a Flash animation video to Weird Al's magnum opus, "Albuquerque".

Check it out...when you have about 13 minutes.


Now, for all of you who are trying to watch their weight (you know who you are...)

You all have seen those ads for the 100-calorie snack packs from various vendors. Since his gastric bypass surgery, Mark Evanier has been eating and evaluating them. He gives a review here, and the brand he gives the highest rating to may surprise you.


So. I have things to do on Errand Day.

Keep those cards and letters coming.

Be seeing you.


2 comments so far

Brin - 2007-04-19 16:22:28 -
Lest any of you all saw an inference in the discussion of phones that I live at home and have parents to buy me everything I want, let me assure you that's not the case. I live at home and have a HUSBAND to buy me everything I want. Just wanted to clarify that. :-)


Dave - 2007-04-19 16:28:20 -
Whoops. My fault for not being clear. For the record, I was NOT referring to Brin. I was referring to teenagers who live at home and get the newest, gee-whiz-waka-waka stuff because they don't pay bills and have parents who buy it for them.


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